I feel as if I am totally missing the mark here. I am seeing the true disgust in the person that I am. I have noticed that I am a blasphemer, a prideful and arrogant “servant”. I think highly of myself at times when I have absolutely no reason to think anything of myself. Apart from God I am nothing… a lost soul traveling down to the pit. I come from dust and so I will return to dust once my soul has left it’s dwelling. It is all a matter of what is inside. What is in my soul? What do my thoughts consist of? Am I wasting my mind? Do I know God? Am I grieving His Spirit? Do I understand who God is? Do I know Jesus? Do I believe He loves me? Do I even believe God? Now, reread those words. Do I even believe God? I believe in God. I know He is real. But do I believe His promises? Do I believe that He is the creator of all things?
I decided that the events that have taken place in my life were leading me to a certain book of the bible. So, I was reading the book of Job and wanted so desperately to get to the end, you know the part where God speaks to Job from out of the storm. When I made it there I began to read and I noticed that my thoughts were not thoughts of awe and worship but thoughts that would almost come off as mockery. Like, ya ya God. I know you made the Earth and everything in it, but what are you going to do for Job? Where is your love and your miracle here?
I had taken that story and thought so far into it that I thought I knew what God would do or say in the end. Kind of like I got disappointed at how God was handling the situation. I thought that I had the right answers and what God was telling Job was, forgive me Lord, missing the point. This man was suffering and all God was talking about was all the stuff He has done and things He has made. HELLO! God has done everything. He has ALL of the wisdom, ALL of the power, ALL of EVERYTHING! He is the only reason that Job was there, standing in the storm. He was kind enough and loving enough to meet him in the midst of his emotional storm. It reminds me of the song written by John Mark McMillan, entitled How He Loves. He was jealous for Job. His love came to him like a hurricane and Job was the tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy… and all of a sudden Job was unaware of his afflictions because they were eclipsed by Glory, and he realized just how beautiful God is and how great His affections are for Job!
I think one of the most exciting things in this realization is that its the same with us! God loves us… Oh, how he loves us! I just pray that the Lord will forgive me of my pride and arrogance. I pray that He will teach me how to truly love Him. I cannot describe the shame that I felt by my reaction to the words of the Almighty God. I pray that my heart will be humble. That I will not just have a “Godly image” but that I will actually be in love with God and know Jesus on a truly personal level. That I will respect Him and love Him and truly live in a state of worship and humility before my King.
Reveal to me, God, the way to have that close intimacy with You. Please teach me how to hear You. That I would not talk over You. That I would not give my own input and ideas as Your answers or a better solution, but that I would really hear what You are saying and understand those things. That I would not miss the point. I want to know You, to truly know You. Please forgive me Lord. You are holy. I am only worthy to be near you because of Jesus’ taking my place on the cross. I can’t even think of words to describe the pain it causes me to think that I could be so disrespectful to the God of all creation, the God who loved me enough to die for me, wash away my sin, and heal my broken heart. I love You Lord. I thank you for Your unending mercy.
Please, friends, keep me in your prayers.
