Be Loved

You are a beautiful flower. A gem; one that is far more precious than rubies. You are delicate and whimsical. You can dance through life. You need not fear, for He is with you; He's always with you. Be vulnerable before Him; bare. Go to Him weak. He is your protector. He longs for your love. Your devotion. Your heart. You are His beloved and He is your lover. Pour out your heart. You are made pure. You are clean. No blemish could cause a wince in Him. He is mighty. He will not be shaken. You are created in His image. For Him, by Him... to love and to be loved. Be not far from Him, O soul; He quenches your thirst. In Him you are made strong. You can trust. Be rooted in His heart darling one. Be rooted.

Why I Write

Why I Write: I write to let it out. I write to gain perspective. I write to remind myself of the truth. I write to come to terms with things. I write to remember. I write to forget. I write for intimacy with God. I write for fellowship. I write to let others know they aren't alone. I write to inspire. I write to heal. I write to reveal. I write to find peace. I write to confess. I write to be seen. I write to see. I write because sometimes speaking isn't enough... sometimes it seems impossible. I write because it is so natural for me. I write as my outlet. I write because I love it. I write because I need to. I write for love. I write for hope. I write for faith... but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Where is Heaven?

After clearing my head through my most recent post and spending time prayerfully examining why I can go through the day and wonder how it is that my mom feels so near yet so far away. I have come to the conclusion that maybe it is because my soul is not so far from hers. That maybe heaven is closer than we think. Maybe the Spirit of the almighty God that dwells richly in my soul gives me a close connection with the reality that my mom is sitting, alive, by His side even while He is living within me. Maybe she is near… not so far… but right here next to me. Maybe her heart and legacy is living on through me. What she has instilled and spent her life’s work pouring into me: faith, love, morals, values, traditions and so much of her heart is being passed on to my children, my husband, my family and friends… all of the people God has purposely placed in my life. I can say that I truly believe that Heaven is more near than we think. We are connected to the people we love, who may have got an early start on eternity, by the one true God. Maybe it is just over that rainbow, or behind that cloud… but the truth is the most important part of Heaven lies deep within our hearts.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement friends. It is such an amazing feeling for God to reveal to me that my mommy's soul is not stagnant, but that she is alive! She is living a perfect life of worship before Jesus, her savior. Thanks be to Him!

Peace in Pain

Sometimes it feels like that world is so far gone. Like life isn't real... or what once was wasn't really real. Ever since my mom passed and my dad remarried and ostracized not only himself but my brother and sister along with him from myself, I can't seem to grasp what my life was. I cannot connect the two worlds; The one that I have learned to live in now and the one that I grew up in. The problem is that in this world my mom and the family of my youth cannot exist. I love my mom and I think of her often but it doesn't seem like she is really gone. It just seems like she is not a part of my life right now. Kind of like the way my dad and siblings aren't... only she didn't choose it.

This brokenness has stunted the growth of my grieving to unbelievable lengths. It is shocking to me and overwhelming to mentally venture back to the place where my mom lied in a hospice bed; where I was with her as she tried to take her last breath and slipped ever so gently into the grasp of the creator and entered His paradise created for her eternity. I start to panic. I start to lose it. I feel like I just need to scream. Like "no" is the only word I can feel filling my mind as I try to erase the painful thought and drown it out with other things... meaningless things; things I know won't hurt.

I have not been allowed at mother's house for a year now. The last time I stepped foot there on "okay terms" with my dad was for my baby sister's 15th birthday party; right before he remarried my mother-in-law (yes, my husband's mother). I can remember it well; the smell, the sound of my feet on the wood floor, the joy of having my brothers and sisters all together. And though when I allow myself to think about it I can remember the way it felt, I know that it will never be what it used to. How is this fair? How is it that my life can be torn from me? How can I have no say? How come we don't matter in the decision making of what happens to our childhood home? Our safe haven? The place that our mother nurtured us? Or about what happens to our family? Why can one person single handedly destroy a home? Our memories? Our relationships? You may not want to remember but we do! We need to.

I am thankful that I have Jesus because I know that I would not be able to be where I am if not for Him. I know that I cannot answer all of these questions and that my ability to grieve the loss of my mom may be hindered by the selfishness of these people. I have come to terms with that. Now if only I could figure out how to come to terms with my mom really not being here. I don't know how to get out of this denial. I know that by the faithfulness of God I will be brought through and He will be exalted. I am so blessed by the peace that I have to make it through everyday. That I do feel joy in the midst of pain and I can smile and know that my story is not over. That one day all of this will be but a testimony as I triumph into victory by the name of Jesus Christ.

I live in freedom to the people who have caused me such harm but that doesn't mean that the damage has not been done. Forgiveness does not mean that the hurt has disappeared. It does not mean that it is justified to us. It just means that we are no longer held down by the burden of soul-rotting bitterness. Jesus has taken that from us and replaced it with an ever so subtle peace. Now we must learn to walk in the forgiveness we have learned to give freely... because Jesus gave it freely to us. Thankfully no person can do more damage than God can heal. I am healing... slowly but surely I am healing.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" -Matthew 11:28