Be Loved

You are a beautiful flower. A gem; one that is far more precious than rubies. You are delicate and whimsical. You can dance through life. You need not fear, for He is with you; He's always with you. Be vulnerable before Him; bare. Go to Him weak. He is your protector. He longs for your love. Your devotion. Your heart. You are His beloved and He is your lover. Pour out your heart. You are made pure. You are clean. No blemish could cause a wince in Him. He is mighty. He will not be shaken. You are created in His image. For Him, by Him... to love and to be loved. Be not far from Him, O soul; He quenches your thirst. In Him you are made strong. You can trust. Be rooted in His heart darling one. Be rooted.

Why I Write

Why I Write: I write to let it out. I write to gain perspective. I write to remind myself of the truth. I write to come to terms with things. I write to remember. I write to forget. I write for intimacy with God. I write for fellowship. I write to let others know they aren't alone. I write to inspire. I write to heal. I write to reveal. I write to find peace. I write to confess. I write to be seen. I write to see. I write because sometimes speaking isn't enough... sometimes it seems impossible. I write because it is so natural for me. I write as my outlet. I write because I love it. I write because I need to. I write for love. I write for hope. I write for faith... but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Where is Heaven?

After clearing my head through my most recent post and spending time prayerfully examining why I can go through the day and wonder how it is that my mom feels so near yet so far away. I have come to the conclusion that maybe it is because my soul is not so far from hers. That maybe heaven is closer than we think. Maybe the Spirit of the almighty God that dwells richly in my soul gives me a close connection with the reality that my mom is sitting, alive, by His side even while He is living within me. Maybe she is near… not so far… but right here next to me. Maybe her heart and legacy is living on through me. What she has instilled and spent her life’s work pouring into me: faith, love, morals, values, traditions and so much of her heart is being passed on to my children, my husband, my family and friends… all of the people God has purposely placed in my life. I can say that I truly believe that Heaven is more near than we think. We are connected to the people we love, who may have got an early start on eternity, by the one true God. Maybe it is just over that rainbow, or behind that cloud… but the truth is the most important part of Heaven lies deep within our hearts.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement friends. It is such an amazing feeling for God to reveal to me that my mommy's soul is not stagnant, but that she is alive! She is living a perfect life of worship before Jesus, her savior. Thanks be to Him!

Peace in Pain

Sometimes it feels like that world is so far gone. Like life isn't real... or what once was wasn't really real. Ever since my mom passed and my dad remarried and ostracized not only himself but my brother and sister along with him from myself, I can't seem to grasp what my life was. I cannot connect the two worlds; The one that I have learned to live in now and the one that I grew up in. The problem is that in this world my mom and the family of my youth cannot exist. I love my mom and I think of her often but it doesn't seem like she is really gone. It just seems like she is not a part of my life right now. Kind of like the way my dad and siblings aren't... only she didn't choose it.

This brokenness has stunted the growth of my grieving to unbelievable lengths. It is shocking to me and overwhelming to mentally venture back to the place where my mom lied in a hospice bed; where I was with her as she tried to take her last breath and slipped ever so gently into the grasp of the creator and entered His paradise created for her eternity. I start to panic. I start to lose it. I feel like I just need to scream. Like "no" is the only word I can feel filling my mind as I try to erase the painful thought and drown it out with other things... meaningless things; things I know won't hurt.

I have not been allowed at mother's house for a year now. The last time I stepped foot there on "okay terms" with my dad was for my baby sister's 15th birthday party; right before he remarried my mother-in-law (yes, my husband's mother). I can remember it well; the smell, the sound of my feet on the wood floor, the joy of having my brothers and sisters all together. And though when I allow myself to think about it I can remember the way it felt, I know that it will never be what it used to. How is this fair? How is it that my life can be torn from me? How can I have no say? How come we don't matter in the decision making of what happens to our childhood home? Our safe haven? The place that our mother nurtured us? Or about what happens to our family? Why can one person single handedly destroy a home? Our memories? Our relationships? You may not want to remember but we do! We need to.

I am thankful that I have Jesus because I know that I would not be able to be where I am if not for Him. I know that I cannot answer all of these questions and that my ability to grieve the loss of my mom may be hindered by the selfishness of these people. I have come to terms with that. Now if only I could figure out how to come to terms with my mom really not being here. I don't know how to get out of this denial. I know that by the faithfulness of God I will be brought through and He will be exalted. I am so blessed by the peace that I have to make it through everyday. That I do feel joy in the midst of pain and I can smile and know that my story is not over. That one day all of this will be but a testimony as I triumph into victory by the name of Jesus Christ.

I live in freedom to the people who have caused me such harm but that doesn't mean that the damage has not been done. Forgiveness does not mean that the hurt has disappeared. It does not mean that it is justified to us. It just means that we are no longer held down by the burden of soul-rotting bitterness. Jesus has taken that from us and replaced it with an ever so subtle peace. Now we must learn to walk in the forgiveness we have learned to give freely... because Jesus gave it freely to us. Thankfully no person can do more damage than God can heal. I am healing... slowly but surely I am healing.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" -Matthew 11:28

Freedom

What does freedom mean? Do we have freedom? Do we live there? Can we call freedom our home? Our state-of-being? When we think of our relationship with God do we see our freedom or our shortcomings? Our past or our future? Do we really believe that by His blood we are set free?

I'm beginning to think we don't. Sure, maybe there are some of us that have had some kind of epiphany about our freedom in Christ, but do we live in it? When the excitement wears off and our mind starts to wander do we find ourselves in His freedom or do we see the bondage of who we once were? When we wake up in the morning do we believe that we are God's glory? His chosen? His redeemed? His beloved? His friend? How does this play out in our faith?

When we see ourselves through our bondages of our "past lives" we are putting God in a box. It is almost as if we are setting ourselves apart from Him... when we are in step, saved by grace, and walking with Jesus those lives are light-years behind us. I am not saying when we are doing our best to be perfect but when we have the Holy Spirit living in us and Jesus by our side in everything that we do, whether it be good or bad. Our sins are as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12). I love this verse because there is no set standard in how far East is from West. It is as far as the end of eternity from where we stand. It is like a circle that keeps going and going. We can chase it but we will never find the end. Can we grasp what that means? I don't think so, but I pray God can reveal a little bit of what that means in this piece.

I know for me I am always held down by the labels people give me. I have been damaged so much by others. People who throw the past in my face and label me as the person I once was. People who call me names that which I should have no affiliation. I have been called "evil", "ungodly", "wicked", and "not right in the eyes of God" to name a few. I was told that I "did nothing for [my] mom while she was sick except use her". I have also been told that I "don't know who [I] am in Christ" ... and these things by people that I trusted were interested in and looking out for my well-being. People that I believed. I viewed these people as those God placed in my life as mentors. I can now see that these people are not mentors in my life, but shaping stones. People who have tested me, not necessarily by the hand of God; but by His guidance I am learning and being molded in how to handle these situations. How to rebuke the lies that the enemy would spread about me, even to the people I love. The Eldredges wrote in their book Captivating, "They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands." I think this sums it up pretty well. It confirms, the things they speak are not truth. The bible tells us so much as to how God feels about His children and these lies people speak are none of them! He calls us the apple of His eye (Zech 2:8)... He rejoices and sings over us (Zeph 3:17). I am not these lies. I am free!

I will not live in the shackles and chains these people and the enemy try to place around my ankles, every time they speak such hurtful lies about me. All of these years I would believe the things that people spoke about me and I would add another weight to the chains around my feet. I would wake up in the morning and the lies would crowd my head and my feet would be heavy as I tried to swing them over the side of my bed. I didn't even want to get up because I dreaded the weight I would be dragging all day. The lies I would believe.

Jesus sees us in no such way. God sees us through the eyes of His son. That is as close to perfection as we can be on this earth.

Thanks to God I am learning that I cannot be the lies spoken about me or the sins I committed in the past because I am saved by Him. It is impossible for me to be these things as long as Jesus is my savior!

I think that all of us have some of these people in our lives. People we have loved and respected who have hurt us and damaged us. Be strong and take heart, there is no damage that is too much for Jesus to heal. Like the word says, by His stripes we are healed. We have the opportunity for a perfect communion with Jesus and through this we are healed! Shake off those lies, figure out what is holding you back. Could it be the lies of people or the enemy, the sins of our pasts, the feeling of inadequacy, there are so many things that can crowd our heads... we just need to let it go. We have no power to change the way people feel, we have no ability to change our past, but Jesus does! Let go of whatever is holding you captive from His freedom and be free! Do whatever it takes to walk in the freedom we have! Speak the truth aloud, quote verses, pray! Believe God! Keep your mind above that level of deceit. The mind is a battlefield... are we willing to fight?

...who gave himself for us, to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. - Titus 2:14
This verse defines the truth of who we have been made by the atonement of the One True King. Peace be with you my friends.

Woman of Faith

I wrote this a few days ago at Women of Faith...

Here I am at Women of Faith, as I sit and hear the voice of one of God's redeemed sing about His glory I can't help but realize how blessed I am to be here.

This past year and a half has been the hardest of my life. It has changed me from the inside out. I never knew I could experience so many different things in a short amount of time. God has done a miraculous breakthrough in my life this past week. Never have I felt so free. I can feel the muscles in my face begin to take shape again. Muscles that used to be strong from laughter and smiles, but grew weak over so much agony.

God has taught me and grown me so much. I know all of these trials have been for that purpose and I will use my knowledge and faith for the glory of Jesus and His kingdom. I know that my battle is not over but I will continue to run this race and, by faith, I will finish... and I will finish well.

♥

I am beautiful, perfect, and made complete because He lives in me. I am FREE! I am clean. I am blessed and pure. I have no chains, I have no shackles. My life is new. I am new.

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. -Psalm 18:32

This City

This place is a wasteland
Nothing is pure
Guarded by Ravens
No hope can endure

Where has the rain gone?
where are the clouds?
There is no refreshment
No joy can resound

Can you hear the cries
of the beggars in the street?
Their worries on drink
No faith, love, or peace

What is this desert?
Is it too far gone?
Where drugs rule the streets
and fights rule the home.

What we need is an answer
A cure for the pain
A call for salvation
A relief from this bane.

Where are the workers?
The fields are in need
For sowing and harvest
Let's bring the redeemed

Jesus we're calling
upon your sweet name
please bring your forgiveness
You're mighty to save

Redeem this city
Bring love to it's streets
Healing to families
life eternally