Facebook Freedom

I will be going on a Facebook Hiatus, or more so a detox; quite possibly a permament vacation. My mind is severely in need of technical rehab. I have began to notice the negative ways that Facebook is affecting me. It allows me to be completely absent from true relationships and friendships because I can simply answer to the people I am “involved” with only when it is convenient for me. That is definitely not loving others the way that I feel I would like to.

I have also noticed the large amount of time it takes from my spending time with and serving Jesus, my family, others, and myself. These are the most important things in the world to me... or are they. I find myself asking my almost two-year-old daughter to wait to tell me what she needs so that I can see what so-and-so had for breakfast or where they are vacationing. I do not want to miss my daughter's first laughs and all the things my girls are doing and learning because I am captivated by the soft glow of Joe Schmo's Facebook page. Why is that even appealing in the least bit? I understand that we as humans are interested in knowing how others run their lives and the things they choose to occupy themselves with, but is this even real life?

I have also noticed the way that people lie on facebook. We can use it as a tool to make ourselves into a person who is flawless by choosing to display the positive things that we do in life and nixing the negative. Seriously, are we seeing planes? Are we named Tattoo? Because we certainly are living on Fantasy Island!

I have decided that when something good happens in my life, when I see something I like, or learn something new that I do not want my first thought to be I need to share this on Facebook. I want to soak it in for myself. I want to experience it for my own knowledge, relationships, and happiness. I want to experience true friendships and connections with my Lord, my husband, children and people! I feel that I am being robbed, and up until recently, blindly. However, I have now been given this revelation and will not allow myself to drown out my opportunity to save myself from social and emotional suicide. I want something real... and cyber-relationships via facebook are not real.

If you would like to be a real-life friend, you can reach me by e-mailing me your phone number at beautyforashes67@aol.com and I will respond with a real-life, warm and comforting “Hello, how are you?” Because I would really like to know how you are and what I can do to love you as a friend. I would also like to share how I am too... the good, the bad, and the ugly. I hope that this is not offensive to anyone. It is just how I feel.

P.S. I will be keeping my blog because it is my creative outlet and a way for me to share the things I feel led (by Jesus) to share.

i am/I am = Forgiven

i am...
foolish
damaged
selfish
judgmental
a liar
demanding
boastful
unfaithful
jealous
proud
imperfect

but...

I am...
Love
Patient
Kind
Truth
Protective
Trusting
Hopeful
Persevering
Unfailing
Faithful
Perfect

i am/I am=Forgiven

1 Corinthians 13:10 -- but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

Vindicated

“I don’t want to make you sad,” the beautiful young lady said as she sat across from me. She proceeded to tell me some truly horrific things that were said and done. I took the news lightly at first. I try to never be one to react rashly. After we parted ways I began to replay the words in my mind. This is never easy due to my photographic imagination. I began to feel myself becoming angry. I felt like all of those verses that David wrote in the Psalms about his enemies being destroyed suddenly made sense to me. These were verses that I thought were harsh and cruel before, but now seemed perfectly fitting. I began to search them and feel a small amount of peace. There was peace in knowing that my enemy would be thrown into the fire or have coals atop their heads, as bad as it sounds. This however did not cure my hurt or my pain.

I began to pray to ask the Lord for help in this area as I could feel the temptation to try and take care of business on my own. It was not but moments later that I felt like God gave me an epiphany. I realized that God is not okay with what this person has done. He is not okay with what they continue to do. He is very mad… and His anger is what I had felt. I had felt a righteous anger. An anger that is acceptable to God because even in the hour of temptation I held strong and obeyed the Lord. I did not sin in my anger. I held onto Him and He revealed my true heart. He taught me something new of myself and of Him. I then felt an immediate relaxation and understanding. I had felt vindicated by God in that moment. Even though His justice may not yet have been played out I know that it will and I am thankful for that. God is the defender of those who serve Him. Those who obey Him and love Him will never be left alone to be tortured. He will protect and He will ensure justice. The enemy of my soul will meet their downfall by the hand of the Almighty. That makes me feel so loved. I am His princess and He is my prince. He will save me from the wicked enemy. He will sweep me off of my feet and show me true love. He is True Love and I am His beloved. It’s true, God is in control.

♥

Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!" -Psalm 118:15

Be Loved

You are a beautiful flower. A gem; one that is far more precious than rubies. You are delicate and whimsical. You can dance through life. You need not fear, for He is with you; He's always with you. Be vulnerable before Him; bare. Go to Him weak. He is your protector. He longs for your love. Your devotion. Your heart. You are His beloved and He is your lover. Pour out your heart. You are made pure. You are clean. No blemish could cause a wince in Him. He is mighty. He will not be shaken. You are created in His image. For Him, by Him... to love and to be loved. Be not far from Him, O soul; He quenches your thirst. In Him you are made strong. You can trust. Be rooted in His heart darling one. Be rooted.

Why I Write

Why I Write: I write to let it out. I write to gain perspective. I write to remind myself of the truth. I write to come to terms with things. I write to remember. I write to forget. I write for intimacy with God. I write for fellowship. I write to let others know they aren't alone. I write to inspire. I write to heal. I write to reveal. I write to find peace. I write to confess. I write to be seen. I write to see. I write because sometimes speaking isn't enough... sometimes it seems impossible. I write because it is so natural for me. I write as my outlet. I write because I love it. I write because I need to. I write for love. I write for hope. I write for faith... but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Where is Heaven?

After clearing my head through my most recent post and spending time prayerfully examining why I can go through the day and wonder how it is that my mom feels so near yet so far away. I have come to the conclusion that maybe it is because my soul is not so far from hers. That maybe heaven is closer than we think. Maybe the Spirit of the almighty God that dwells richly in my soul gives me a close connection with the reality that my mom is sitting, alive, by His side even while He is living within me. Maybe she is near… not so far… but right here next to me. Maybe her heart and legacy is living on through me. What she has instilled and spent her life’s work pouring into me: faith, love, morals, values, traditions and so much of her heart is being passed on to my children, my husband, my family and friends… all of the people God has purposely placed in my life. I can say that I truly believe that Heaven is more near than we think. We are connected to the people we love, who may have got an early start on eternity, by the one true God. Maybe it is just over that rainbow, or behind that cloud… but the truth is the most important part of Heaven lies deep within our hearts.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement friends. It is such an amazing feeling for God to reveal to me that my mommy's soul is not stagnant, but that she is alive! She is living a perfect life of worship before Jesus, her savior. Thanks be to Him!

Peace in Pain

Sometimes it feels like that world is so far gone. Like life isn't real... or what once was wasn't really real. Ever since my mom passed and my dad remarried and ostracized not only himself but my brother and sister along with him from myself, I can't seem to grasp what my life was. I cannot connect the two worlds; The one that I have learned to live in now and the one that I grew up in. The problem is that in this world my mom and the family of my youth cannot exist. I love my mom and I think of her often but it doesn't seem like she is really gone. It just seems like she is not a part of my life right now. Kind of like the way my dad and siblings aren't... only she didn't choose it.

This brokenness has stunted the growth of my grieving to unbelievable lengths. It is shocking to me and overwhelming to mentally venture back to the place where my mom lied in a hospice bed; where I was with her as she tried to take her last breath and slipped ever so gently into the grasp of the creator and entered His paradise created for her eternity. I start to panic. I start to lose it. I feel like I just need to scream. Like "no" is the only word I can feel filling my mind as I try to erase the painful thought and drown it out with other things... meaningless things; things I know won't hurt.

I have not been allowed at mother's house for a year now. The last time I stepped foot there on "okay terms" with my dad was for my baby sister's 15th birthday party; right before he remarried my mother-in-law (yes, my husband's mother). I can remember it well; the smell, the sound of my feet on the wood floor, the joy of having my brothers and sisters all together. And though when I allow myself to think about it I can remember the way it felt, I know that it will never be what it used to. How is this fair? How is it that my life can be torn from me? How can I have no say? How come we don't matter in the decision making of what happens to our childhood home? Our safe haven? The place that our mother nurtured us? Or about what happens to our family? Why can one person single handedly destroy a home? Our memories? Our relationships? You may not want to remember but we do! We need to.

I am thankful that I have Jesus because I know that I would not be able to be where I am if not for Him. I know that I cannot answer all of these questions and that my ability to grieve the loss of my mom may be hindered by the selfishness of these people. I have come to terms with that. Now if only I could figure out how to come to terms with my mom really not being here. I don't know how to get out of this denial. I know that by the faithfulness of God I will be brought through and He will be exalted. I am so blessed by the peace that I have to make it through everyday. That I do feel joy in the midst of pain and I can smile and know that my story is not over. That one day all of this will be but a testimony as I triumph into victory by the name of Jesus Christ.

I live in freedom to the people who have caused me such harm but that doesn't mean that the damage has not been done. Forgiveness does not mean that the hurt has disappeared. It does not mean that it is justified to us. It just means that we are no longer held down by the burden of soul-rotting bitterness. Jesus has taken that from us and replaced it with an ever so subtle peace. Now we must learn to walk in the forgiveness we have learned to give freely... because Jesus gave it freely to us. Thankfully no person can do more damage than God can heal. I am healing... slowly but surely I am healing.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" -Matthew 11:28