Vindicated

“I don’t want to make you sad,” the beautiful young lady said as she sat across from me. She proceeded to tell me some truly horrific things that were said and done. I took the news lightly at first. I try to never be one to react rashly. After we parted ways I began to replay the words in my mind. This is never easy due to my photographic imagination. I began to feel myself becoming angry. I felt like all of those verses that David wrote in the Psalms about his enemies being destroyed suddenly made sense to me. These were verses that I thought were harsh and cruel before, but now seemed perfectly fitting. I began to search them and feel a small amount of peace. There was peace in knowing that my enemy would be thrown into the fire or have coals atop their heads, as bad as it sounds. This however did not cure my hurt or my pain.

I began to pray to ask the Lord for help in this area as I could feel the temptation to try and take care of business on my own. It was not but moments later that I felt like God gave me an epiphany. I realized that God is not okay with what this person has done. He is not okay with what they continue to do. He is very mad… and His anger is what I had felt. I had felt a righteous anger. An anger that is acceptable to God because even in the hour of temptation I held strong and obeyed the Lord. I did not sin in my anger. I held onto Him and He revealed my true heart. He taught me something new of myself and of Him. I then felt an immediate relaxation and understanding. I had felt vindicated by God in that moment. Even though His justice may not yet have been played out I know that it will and I am thankful for that. God is the defender of those who serve Him. Those who obey Him and love Him will never be left alone to be tortured. He will protect and He will ensure justice. The enemy of my soul will meet their downfall by the hand of the Almighty. That makes me feel so loved. I am His princess and He is my prince. He will save me from the wicked enemy. He will sweep me off of my feet and show me true love. He is True Love and I am His beloved. It’s true, God is in control.

♥

Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!" -Psalm 118:15

Be Loved

You are a beautiful flower. A gem; one that is far more precious than rubies. You are delicate and whimsical. You can dance through life. You need not fear, for He is with you; He's always with you. Be vulnerable before Him; bare. Go to Him weak. He is your protector. He longs for your love. Your devotion. Your heart. You are His beloved and He is your lover. Pour out your heart. You are made pure. You are clean. No blemish could cause a wince in Him. He is mighty. He will not be shaken. You are created in His image. For Him, by Him... to love and to be loved. Be not far from Him, O soul; He quenches your thirst. In Him you are made strong. You can trust. Be rooted in His heart darling one. Be rooted.

Why I Write

Why I Write: I write to let it out. I write to gain perspective. I write to remind myself of the truth. I write to come to terms with things. I write to remember. I write to forget. I write for intimacy with God. I write for fellowship. I write to let others know they aren't alone. I write to inspire. I write to heal. I write to reveal. I write to find peace. I write to confess. I write to be seen. I write to see. I write because sometimes speaking isn't enough... sometimes it seems impossible. I write because it is so natural for me. I write as my outlet. I write because I love it. I write because I need to. I write for love. I write for hope. I write for faith... but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Where is Heaven?

After clearing my head through my most recent post and spending time prayerfully examining why I can go through the day and wonder how it is that my mom feels so near yet so far away. I have come to the conclusion that maybe it is because my soul is not so far from hers. That maybe heaven is closer than we think. Maybe the Spirit of the almighty God that dwells richly in my soul gives me a close connection with the reality that my mom is sitting, alive, by His side even while He is living within me. Maybe she is near… not so far… but right here next to me. Maybe her heart and legacy is living on through me. What she has instilled and spent her life’s work pouring into me: faith, love, morals, values, traditions and so much of her heart is being passed on to my children, my husband, my family and friends… all of the people God has purposely placed in my life. I can say that I truly believe that Heaven is more near than we think. We are connected to the people we love, who may have got an early start on eternity, by the one true God. Maybe it is just over that rainbow, or behind that cloud… but the truth is the most important part of Heaven lies deep within our hearts.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement friends. It is such an amazing feeling for God to reveal to me that my mommy's soul is not stagnant, but that she is alive! She is living a perfect life of worship before Jesus, her savior. Thanks be to Him!

Peace in Pain

Sometimes it feels like that world is so far gone. Like life isn't real... or what once was wasn't really real. Ever since my mom passed and my dad remarried and ostracized not only himself but my brother and sister along with him from myself, I can't seem to grasp what my life was. I cannot connect the two worlds; The one that I have learned to live in now and the one that I grew up in. The problem is that in this world my mom and the family of my youth cannot exist. I love my mom and I think of her often but it doesn't seem like she is really gone. It just seems like she is not a part of my life right now. Kind of like the way my dad and siblings aren't... only she didn't choose it.

This brokenness has stunted the growth of my grieving to unbelievable lengths. It is shocking to me and overwhelming to mentally venture back to the place where my mom lied in a hospice bed; where I was with her as she tried to take her last breath and slipped ever so gently into the grasp of the creator and entered His paradise created for her eternity. I start to panic. I start to lose it. I feel like I just need to scream. Like "no" is the only word I can feel filling my mind as I try to erase the painful thought and drown it out with other things... meaningless things; things I know won't hurt.

I have not been allowed at mother's house for a year now. The last time I stepped foot there on "okay terms" with my dad was for my baby sister's 15th birthday party; right before he remarried my mother-in-law (yes, my husband's mother). I can remember it well; the smell, the sound of my feet on the wood floor, the joy of having my brothers and sisters all together. And though when I allow myself to think about it I can remember the way it felt, I know that it will never be what it used to. How is this fair? How is it that my life can be torn from me? How can I have no say? How come we don't matter in the decision making of what happens to our childhood home? Our safe haven? The place that our mother nurtured us? Or about what happens to our family? Why can one person single handedly destroy a home? Our memories? Our relationships? You may not want to remember but we do! We need to.

I am thankful that I have Jesus because I know that I would not be able to be where I am if not for Him. I know that I cannot answer all of these questions and that my ability to grieve the loss of my mom may be hindered by the selfishness of these people. I have come to terms with that. Now if only I could figure out how to come to terms with my mom really not being here. I don't know how to get out of this denial. I know that by the faithfulness of God I will be brought through and He will be exalted. I am so blessed by the peace that I have to make it through everyday. That I do feel joy in the midst of pain and I can smile and know that my story is not over. That one day all of this will be but a testimony as I triumph into victory by the name of Jesus Christ.

I live in freedom to the people who have caused me such harm but that doesn't mean that the damage has not been done. Forgiveness does not mean that the hurt has disappeared. It does not mean that it is justified to us. It just means that we are no longer held down by the burden of soul-rotting bitterness. Jesus has taken that from us and replaced it with an ever so subtle peace. Now we must learn to walk in the forgiveness we have learned to give freely... because Jesus gave it freely to us. Thankfully no person can do more damage than God can heal. I am healing... slowly but surely I am healing.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" -Matthew 11:28

Freedom

What does freedom mean? Do we have freedom? Do we live there? Can we call freedom our home? Our state-of-being? When we think of our relationship with God do we see our freedom or our shortcomings? Our past or our future? Do we really believe that by His blood we are set free?

I'm beginning to think we don't. Sure, maybe there are some of us that have had some kind of epiphany about our freedom in Christ, but do we live in it? When the excitement wears off and our mind starts to wander do we find ourselves in His freedom or do we see the bondage of who we once were? When we wake up in the morning do we believe that we are God's glory? His chosen? His redeemed? His beloved? His friend? How does this play out in our faith?

When we see ourselves through our bondages of our "past lives" we are putting God in a box. It is almost as if we are setting ourselves apart from Him... when we are in step, saved by grace, and walking with Jesus those lives are light-years behind us. I am not saying when we are doing our best to be perfect but when we have the Holy Spirit living in us and Jesus by our side in everything that we do, whether it be good or bad. Our sins are as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12). I love this verse because there is no set standard in how far East is from West. It is as far as the end of eternity from where we stand. It is like a circle that keeps going and going. We can chase it but we will never find the end. Can we grasp what that means? I don't think so, but I pray God can reveal a little bit of what that means in this piece.

I know for me I am always held down by the labels people give me. I have been damaged so much by others. People who throw the past in my face and label me as the person I once was. People who call me names that which I should have no affiliation. I have been called "evil", "ungodly", "wicked", and "not right in the eyes of God" to name a few. I was told that I "did nothing for [my] mom while she was sick except use her". I have also been told that I "don't know who [I] am in Christ" ... and these things by people that I trusted were interested in and looking out for my well-being. People that I believed. I viewed these people as those God placed in my life as mentors. I can now see that these people are not mentors in my life, but shaping stones. People who have tested me, not necessarily by the hand of God; but by His guidance I am learning and being molded in how to handle these situations. How to rebuke the lies that the enemy would spread about me, even to the people I love. The Eldredges wrote in their book Captivating, "They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands." I think this sums it up pretty well. It confirms, the things they speak are not truth. The bible tells us so much as to how God feels about His children and these lies people speak are none of them! He calls us the apple of His eye (Zech 2:8)... He rejoices and sings over us (Zeph 3:17). I am not these lies. I am free!

I will not live in the shackles and chains these people and the enemy try to place around my ankles, every time they speak such hurtful lies about me. All of these years I would believe the things that people spoke about me and I would add another weight to the chains around my feet. I would wake up in the morning and the lies would crowd my head and my feet would be heavy as I tried to swing them over the side of my bed. I didn't even want to get up because I dreaded the weight I would be dragging all day. The lies I would believe.

Jesus sees us in no such way. God sees us through the eyes of His son. That is as close to perfection as we can be on this earth.

Thanks to God I am learning that I cannot be the lies spoken about me or the sins I committed in the past because I am saved by Him. It is impossible for me to be these things as long as Jesus is my savior!

I think that all of us have some of these people in our lives. People we have loved and respected who have hurt us and damaged us. Be strong and take heart, there is no damage that is too much for Jesus to heal. Like the word says, by His stripes we are healed. We have the opportunity for a perfect communion with Jesus and through this we are healed! Shake off those lies, figure out what is holding you back. Could it be the lies of people or the enemy, the sins of our pasts, the feeling of inadequacy, there are so many things that can crowd our heads... we just need to let it go. We have no power to change the way people feel, we have no ability to change our past, but Jesus does! Let go of whatever is holding you captive from His freedom and be free! Do whatever it takes to walk in the freedom we have! Speak the truth aloud, quote verses, pray! Believe God! Keep your mind above that level of deceit. The mind is a battlefield... are we willing to fight?

...who gave himself for us, to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. - Titus 2:14
This verse defines the truth of who we have been made by the atonement of the One True King. Peace be with you my friends.

Woman of Faith

I wrote this a few days ago at Women of Faith...

Here I am at Women of Faith, as I sit and hear the voice of one of God's redeemed sing about His glory I can't help but realize how blessed I am to be here.

This past year and a half has been the hardest of my life. It has changed me from the inside out. I never knew I could experience so many different things in a short amount of time. God has done a miraculous breakthrough in my life this past week. Never have I felt so free. I can feel the muscles in my face begin to take shape again. Muscles that used to be strong from laughter and smiles, but grew weak over so much agony.

God has taught me and grown me so much. I know all of these trials have been for that purpose and I will use my knowledge and faith for the glory of Jesus and His kingdom. I know that my battle is not over but I will continue to run this race and, by faith, I will finish... and I will finish well.

♥

I am beautiful, perfect, and made complete because He lives in me. I am FREE! I am clean. I am blessed and pure. I have no chains, I have no shackles. My life is new. I am new.

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. -Psalm 18:32

This City

This place is a wasteland
Nothing is pure
Guarded by Ravens
No hope can endure

Where has the rain gone?
where are the clouds?
There is no refreshment
No joy can resound

Can you hear the cries
of the beggars in the street?
Their worries on drink
No faith, love, or peace

What is this desert?
Is it too far gone?
Where drugs rule the streets
and fights rule the home.

What we need is an answer
A cure for the pain
A call for salvation
A relief from this bane.

Where are the workers?
The fields are in need
For sowing and harvest
Let's bring the redeemed

Jesus we're calling
upon your sweet name
please bring your forgiveness
You're mighty to save

Redeem this city
Bring love to it's streets
Healing to families
life eternally

After His Heart... again

I have been living my life in a haze. A haze of wrong and right and true and false and pure confusion. God is showing me that it is all a problem that lies in the fact that I have fallen trap to the legalistic expectations people place on me once again. I feel the need to defend myself against "the law". The bible says in Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

God is showing me that I am fighting for my life. I am defending myself and my heart. I am screaming for freedom from the people who are placing these struggles in my life but all the while I am believing what they are saying over what God says about me. I was listening to Chris Tomlin's song "Kindness", in the song he quotes Psalm 63:3 in saying "Your love is better than life". Well, at the same time I heard him singing this verse I saw it on a friends blog. He revealed to me that I need to get back to His heart. Jesus is showing me that His love is better than my life. It is better than what people think about me. It is more important than the accusations they make. It is more important than what I am fighting for. Once I get back to His heart and trusting Him, fully surrendered and losing my life, I will gain it. When I am focused on His heart I will bear His fruit and in that there is no law! No legalism. Pure FREEDOM!

Everything becomes a blur when we put ourselves into the mix. I couldn't tell left from right. But when I am nestled into God's arms and cuddled close to His heart everything begins to seem so simple. When my soul is living in worship to the God of all creation I cannot help but see anything but Him! Praise the Lord of Heaven and Earth.

In closing, I would like to challenge us to lose the legalism. Let's drop our expectations of people and let them find THEMSELVES in Christ. Let's just love and encourage them through it. They will make mistakes just as we did, do, and will continue to do. Thankfully God doing what He does and some good encouragement from fellow believers can help all of us learn through it. :)

I am a Tree

Trees grow strong, tall, and wise.
They see everything around them but nothing further.
Do they slumber? Do they dream?
Their roots go down deep so they do not fall as they grow weary.
What could cause them to fall?
The brutal antagonization of people making them a spectacle.
Their leaves which are so delicately placed begin to change color and fall with the stresses of the seasons.
They wear their bark proud covering their tender insides which know it's history, it's past; where it has been and what it has seen.
They drink up the water to produce and to give; starving when it is lacking.
Birds make their homes high in their branches... are they friends or imposters? Partners or consumers?
Animals eat from them causing scars and damage.
They breath in the waste of those who hurt them and offer back life.
At the end of the day it still stands tall, strong, and wise; knowing what it has seen and what it has heard.
I am a tree.
♥
As I took my daughter for a morning walk the sun began to heat up, so we parked in the grass under a tree. I have always loved trees. They just always seemed wise and like there is something mysterious about them. You know like Treebeard or something. ;) I began to let my mind run a bit with thoughts on what a tree is, what it does, etc. I ended up comparing myself and thinking about how the imagery of these beautiful creations matched up with myself. As I began to write I felt that I could let out exactly how I felt and what I knew was going on in me. But as I came to the sentence "They breath in the waste of those who hurt them and offer back life", it all clicked and I saw the truth of why they were so meaningful and so mysterious all this time! Jesus died on a tree to give us our freedom. Yes, but it is more! The tree symbolizes Jesus himself! The tree is a perfect example of the Lord! How perfect and like God is it to make the tool of "destruction" which was really the tool of "freedom" resemble Freedom Himself. This is just proof that everything God has made should point us back to Jesus. God is everywhere. His love and mercies and lurking in the midst of His creation. We just need to seek Him out in it. We can find Him anywhere. Be blessed!

Devotional

It breaks my heart to see young people (and old) going to hell because they can’t understand things that may have happened or they had possibly seen from their childhood or how to deal with them, thus causing them into a life of sin and bondage so early. God has created our human mind so delicate. He has made it so that if we can live within the confines of the things that we can stand to remember and to deal with, pushing the things that might send us over the edge to the back. It is only when we get to a point where we want nothing more than to be, as Oswald Chambers says, “rightly related” to Jesus that He begins to reveal the hurts from our past that had been made into a whirlwind of confusion before. Our mind is like a puzzle, it is a million memories, a million occurrences, a million things we have learned, and these are what make up the pieces. We can try to rebuild that puzzle to make ourselves okay, but without the pieces God has hidden for our protection being either revealed and healed or broken and replaced by nothing more than His peace and love, we can never be made complete.

Things to Come

After a long recess from my blog I have decided I think I am ready to get back at it. Though the task of digging deep within my innermost being and finding the truth in what I have experienced and what I am feeling about it seems a bit daunting, I believe I am ready to take it on with full force. Why not? I have God on my side, and if He is for me then who can be against me? Over these past months the Lord has showed me that I am a bit of a “Martha” when I need to be a “Mary”; and one of the most important reasons God has us Tithe; also about having faith, blessing, and worshiping while dying and the way my mother unconsciously followed this example from Israel (Jacob), and so many other things.

I cannot explain the way that God has carried me through the past months in my life. As I look back and see the things God has shown me in the midst of my hard heart it gives me great faith and courage to think: what if I soften my heart, submit myself fully to Him, and step out on the water? What will God do then? I can only give Him the glory He is worthy of in saying He will be faithful. He will keep His promises, and I will be living completely and solely united with the One True King.

Our Father and our Savior, I pray that you will reign in my heart and help me to do this as I step back into penning Your work into this blog. Bless it and bless our readers, and let all of the glory be to Your mighty name. Amen.

I look forward to sharing all of these things with the beloved reader of Miraculous Romance! Be blessed!

Repentance

This is a song that the Lord gave me after repenting of sins in my life...

My heart is a bottomless pit
My soul, oh Lord, it’s sick
My God, oh God of Jacob
My God, of Abraham
My God, the God of Isaac
My God, come with your staff


Come to me Lord
And bring me peace
Forgive my pride
be Hell’s defeat


Forgive me Lord
I’m on my Knees
El Shaddai please come
And rescue me


I need you now

Sing a New Song unto the Lord

There is a war going on in my head
The enemy has waged attack on me
I lay broken and suffering on my bed
But defeated You say I will not be

My face has lost the shape of that which joy had made it
My eyes are no longer wide with fruit that You have grown
And where laugh lines once were engraved deep into my skin
There is now a barren desert, and a somber tone

But I will not turn my face from You, Jesus
I have made myself humble before the Lord
Though my soul is downcast I can’t forsake You
O God, my King, please remind me I am Yours

I spent some time with Jesus and He has shown me things
Like the way the wind on waves causes doubt within my being
Another thing He showed me, and I know it is true
When I call on Him for help he immediately comes through

Oh I will not turn my face from You Jesus
I have made myself humble before the Lord
Though my soul is downcast I can’t forsake You
O God, my King, please remind me I am Yours

The enemy has lied to me time and time again
God has promised good to me, and on His word I stand
I’ve got a belt and it says truth, a shield whose name is faith
Shoes of peace, the Spirit’s sword, righteousness on my chest

Yeah, I will not turn my face from You Jesus
I have made myself humble before the Lord
Though my soul is downcast I can’t forsake You
O God, my King, please remind me I am Yours

Michelle's Song

Your children arise and call you blessed
Your husband too, and he praises you
You are now in eternal rest
I rest assured my days are few


A woman of God, a fragrant rose
A heart so pure, a love that glowed
Far more precious than rubies or gold
The way I love you, you’d never know


As a child I watched you live
I would mimic the things you did
Your pursuit of Jesus, the time you’d spend
The helping hand you would lend


Your gentle words, your loving touch
I want to be like you so much
A perfect example of the power of God
In changing the heart of a sinner abroad


I can see you now, you’re casting your crown
At the feet of the righteous one
It’s causing me to fall on my knees
in awe of the Holy Son


I wait for the day we will worship together
In front of the one true King
I pray that he binds my heart like a fetter
Attached to the mercy He brings
♥

A Revelation in the Book of Job

I feel as if I am totally missing the mark here. I am seeing the true disgust in the person that I am. I have noticed that I am a blasphemer, a prideful and arrogant “servant”. I think highly of myself at times when I have absolutely no reason to think anything of myself. Apart from God I am nothing… a lost soul traveling down to the pit. I come from dust and so I will return to dust once my soul has left it’s dwelling. It is all a matter of what is inside. What is in my soul? What do my thoughts consist of? Am I wasting my mind? Do I know God? Am I grieving His Spirit? Do I understand who God is? Do I know Jesus? Do I believe He loves me? Do I even believe God? Now, reread those words. Do I even believe God? I believe in God. I know He is real. But do I believe His promises? Do I believe that He is the creator of all things?

I decided that the events that have taken place in my life were leading me to a certain book of the bible. So, I was reading the book of Job and wanted so desperately to get to the end, you know the part where God speaks to Job from out of the storm. When I made it there I began to read and I noticed that my thoughts were not thoughts of awe and worship but thoughts that would almost come off as mockery. Like, ya ya God. I know you made the Earth and everything in it, but what are you going to do for Job? Where is your love and your miracle here?

I had taken that story and thought so far into it that I thought I knew what God would do or say in the end. Kind of like I got disappointed at how God was handling the situation. I thought that I had the right answers and what God was telling Job was, forgive me Lord, missing the point. This man was suffering and all God was talking about was all the stuff He has done and things He has made. HELLO! God has done everything. He has ALL of the wisdom, ALL of the power, ALL of EVERYTHING! He is the only reason that Job was there, standing in the storm. He was kind enough and loving enough to meet him in the midst of his emotional storm. It reminds me of the song written by John Mark McMillan, entitled How He Loves. He was jealous for Job. His love came to him like a hurricane and Job was the tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy… and all of a sudden Job was unaware of his afflictions because they were eclipsed by Glory, and he realized just how beautiful God is and how great His affections are for Job!

I think one of the most exciting things in this realization is that its the same with us! God loves us… Oh, how he loves us! I just pray that the Lord will forgive me of my pride and arrogance. I pray that He will teach me how to truly love Him. I cannot describe the shame that I felt by my reaction to the words of the Almighty God. I pray that my heart will be humble. That I will not just have a “Godly image” but that I will actually be in love with God and know Jesus on a truly personal level. That I will respect Him and love Him and truly live in a state of worship and humility before my King.

Reveal to me, God, the way to have that close intimacy with You. Please teach me how to hear You. That I would not talk over You. That I would not give my own input and ideas as Your answers or a better solution, but that I would really hear what You are saying and understand those things. That I would not miss the point. I want to know You, to truly know You. Please forgive me Lord. You are holy. I am only worthy to be near you because of Jesus’ taking my place on the cross. I can’t even think of words to describe the pain it causes me to think that I could be so disrespectful to the God of all creation, the God who loved me enough to die for me, wash away my sin, and heal my broken heart. I love You Lord. I thank you for Your unending mercy.

Please, friends, keep me in your prayers.

A Woman Torn...

I am a woman torn… my heart has been broken and shattered in so many ways. I have been rejected by everyone that is left in my life at one point or another. And to top it all off I know that there are missing pieces to my past that the Lord is slowly preparing me to deal with.

Not a day goes by that I don’t hurt or fear what will come of my life, or where I will be in the future. I live in fear of losing more of the people that I love. My heart has become so hard that I am scared it could never return to a sensitive “soft” state.

I have learned to fight. I have learned to defend myself. I hate it, but I feel like I need it to survive. I don’t want to constantly be on the defense. I don’t want to push everything and everyone away. But I don’t know any other way. It’s true, I am self-destructive.

I am so scared that God will reject me. It is a result of the “father wound”. I am also scared that God will just somehow no longer be here… and not just here with me, but in existence; like maybe he will just disappear or “die”. This is a result of the loss of my mother.

My husband once told me that it is like I am covering my ears, closing my eyes, kicking and fighting but at the same time I am screaming for help. He was using it as an illustration that I will not let anyone close enough to get in to help me but at the same time I am begging for it.

I have also realized that I oftentimes find myself looking for Jesus, but I am face down in the dark. Hence, I won’t open my eyes or allow myself to turn on the light (open my heart) to see Him. What kind of sense does that make?

I am completely irrational. I am so scared that I will be hurt again, that I will not allow anyone in. This is exactly like my wise friend told me… self-destructive. This is me. How will I ever learn to deal? How will I ever make it through this storm?

If I cannot submit myself to Jesus and lean on Him instead of my own understanding I will never make it out alive. If I cannot believe that my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is an everlasting God, how can I achieve the faith I need to live eternally? How can I know that in the worst of conditions, Emmanuel, God is with us?

The hard truth is… I can’t. I have to conjure up enough faith to stand fast and press on from moment to moment while He works that into my messed up heart and being. I have no control… and that scares me to death. But thankfully for every weak moment I have, God has given me a blessing, and a tiny grasp of faith to hold onto. And in this moment my hope endures….

Convenient Christianity

I have recently seen a few examples of what I like to call "Convenient Christianity". To me, Convenient Christianity is when you want to obey God and take the Bible literally when it is convenient for you... e.g. you have wronged someone and they refuse to forgive you, but when the tables are turned and they come to you for forgiveness, you should immediately put down your guard and forgive with open arms; well, because "you are a Christian". Sometimes we will act like this without even realizing that we are acting this way because our flesh naturally wants to do what feels right and denying God, to our flesh, feels right.

This is why the people of this world call us hypocrites. This is why they say that the Bible is a lie and contradicts itself. This is why they deny Jesus Christ. We are not living out our witness. We are not bringing justice, truth, and peace to a lost and dying world. We are not showing these people the love of God. We look at each other with such high standards and when it comes to ourselves we can always come up with an excuse. This is why Jesus says in Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

The truth is that we, as Christians, should be the ones to go to the person that we have wronged and ask them for their forgiveness. Come what may, they may not forgive; however that is not of our concern because that is a heart issue between them and Jesus. The truth is, also, that we should forgive everyone that asks (and those who don't, for that matter) because the sword of the spirit is truth, and that is the word of God (Ephesians 6:17)... and what does the word of God say? "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" -Mark 11:25. It also says that Jesus died for us that NONE should perish. That means that he gave his whole being on this earth that EVERYONE should have forgiveness. So, really, who are we to keep the forgiveness that Jesus gave us from others? Yes, this makes us hypocrites. This causes others to go to hell. Because we are double-minded. We fail to do what God asks us to. We are the blind leading the blind.

Thankfully, God has given us His grace and loves us above and beyond our failures. Jesus has offered the Ultimate forgiveness and an eternal life in paradise with him, the lover of our soul, to everyone who will believe upon his name. Jesus makes us blameless in the Father's sight. We are forgiven because he was forsaken and we are accepted because he was condemned. His love has covered over a multitude of sins; now the question is: can ours?

I pray that the Lord will bring me to a such a place in my walk with Him. That He would forgive me of my fleshy decisions, sins, and transgressions. That I would be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1:19&20). I want to be blameless in His sight. I want to have a heart so refined by His purifying fire that I will be completely at peace within my soul. All I can do is just pray that the Lord will do such a mighty work in such a wretch like me. Thank you father that you are faithful, even when I am faithless!

Another Realization

I have realized that I have been trapped in a state of bondage. I have created an unpleasant place to be, inside of my own mind. I am constantly thinking of negative events that have taken place in my life and terrible ways that people have treated me. Well, that sounds a lot like self-pity to me. Even though my attitude is not to throw a pity party and beg sympathy of people, or even just to sit and sob... these scenarios continue to replay in my mind. I have been trying to remember where Paul the Apostle says in Philipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things". The problem is I have such a hard time putting that into action. When you read the next verse he says, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you". Now that is my realization. That is what I need to make my focus. I need to constantly be sure that I am purifying my heart before the Father and then I will have peace. I need to be sure that I am practicing what He has asked of me, and I mean that in a total non-legalistic way. I mean that I need to make sure that I am so deeply in love with God that I cannot do anything else but what He wants me to do.

The fruit of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-Control. It is extremely hard for me to act Loving, Gentle, and Kind toward the people who have hurt me when I keep replaying the hurtful things they have done. It is also hard for me to have Joy and Peace when I am tearing open the stitches God has used to bind my wounds. No Goodness can come from me when I am paranoid that I am going to be hurt. It is nearly impossible for me to have Self-Control when I am on the defense. Finally, how can I be a Faith-filled Woman of God when I cannot trust God enough to handle my problems and heal my pain.

Something else that makes this such a hurtful place to be is the effect it has on my husband and my baby girl. I see them with needs that my distractions constantly impair my ability to fill. I see them going without my full attention. I see them going without the time that they deserve to have from me, my joyful attitude, and so many other things. Not-to-mention my Godly influence as a wife and mother!

Forgive me Jesus... for my lack of Faith, for that is what it really comes down to. I am guilty and I repent. I ask, Lord Jesus, that You would refine my heart and make me as white as snow. Help me to really put into practice what Paul the Apostle was led to say in Philipians 4:8&9, and that, most importantly, I would have the faith to believe that You will bring me through these things. Thank You for Your faithfulness when I am lacking. I know that because of You, we will be victorious. I love You, Lord.

The Divine Drive

So it was New Year's Day and I was super busy. I had a million and one things to do. Well, I had finally finished the million and started off to the one. My cousin was visiting from West Virginia and we were going to have a girl's night with some of our other family. I dropped my husband off at work and was on my way... headed south for the evening. As I merged onto the freeway I was completely overwhelmed by the amazing panoramic view that suddenly entranced me. The sun was setting. It felt as if I could not catch my breath as I tried to capture these colors that danced over the mountains. Colors that I have never seen. If I didn't know any better, I would have swore the Lord was going to bust through the amazing orange sunburst that poured from the sky... and I was swept away.

It felt like I was on a breath taking first date, only I had been with my Love before. Somehow though, every time feels new and refreshing. My heart was beating faster and my body had those ticklish tingles that you cannot ever understand. It was as if I could feel the gentle whispers of my Lover in my ear but there was no sound except for some old song by Mae on my iPod. It just so happened that it was a romantic song playing and the love that I so longed to feel with another human transformed into a deep longing for a more real love with my Savior.

I began to pour my heart out to Him about my desire and the reality of the sweet tug He had on my soul; and He listened. Not only did He listen but He showed me things that my significant other would have never known about myself. It was then that I realized that He truly does know every last detail of my life. He brought to my attention a few things that I needed to focus on, not to worry, He would help me to get through the hard times... and I believed Him. Never have I felt so safe, never have I really known that someone truly loves me without condition. I always thought I did, but in this moment it occurred to me that I didn't.

I realized I have a real intimate and Perfect relationship with the Almighty and Living God, with the precious Jesus that gave His life to have this romance with me. He set up that "date". He put that time aside and said I am going to do something special for my beloved, she needs to know that I have never let her go. He showed me that I can never have a "perfect romance" here on Earth with my husband, and the only way that it would ever even be close is if I have a "perfect romance" with Him. I cannot love anyone the way that I need to until He has changed my heart and showed me how. The only way this could happen is within a beautiful and intimate romance with Jesus.

I was blessed that day beyond belief and I have never felt a peace, a love, or any joy like I experienced on that Divine Drive.

Introducing... Me.

My name is Crystal O'Rourke. I am a 22 year old mother of a beautiful baby girl named Eden Neriah. I am married to the amazing man that God created to be my partner, Patrick. I come from a large family of 7. I am the oldest of two gorgeous sisters and two adorable brothers. My mother passed away from a horrible cancer on my sisters birthday this last summer, which just so happens to be on July 4th [she always called my sissy her little firecracker ;)]. My mother was my best friend, my role model and my mentor. She was a perfect example of what God could do with a willing soul. Losing her has been the hardest unexpected tragedy in my life, but thankfully, God's grace is sufficient and the love of Jesus has so-engulfed my heart that I have strength for everyday.

As of now, I continue to dive deeper into the heart of God. I lead a small group through my church's Youth Group with girls grades 6th through 12th (sometimes I think I learn more from them than they do me, seriously, they are truly girls after God's heart). I am an online student. I love playing worship music with my husband. There is something so special about being caught up in the heart of the Lord with the man he made to be my other half. I also love teaching my daughter and playing with her. It blesses my heart to see her face light up with joy. :)