Another Realization

I have realized that I have been trapped in a state of bondage. I have created an unpleasant place to be, inside of my own mind. I am constantly thinking of negative events that have taken place in my life and terrible ways that people have treated me. Well, that sounds a lot like self-pity to me. Even though my attitude is not to throw a pity party and beg sympathy of people, or even just to sit and sob... these scenarios continue to replay in my mind. I have been trying to remember where Paul the Apostle says in Philipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things". The problem is I have such a hard time putting that into action. When you read the next verse he says, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you". Now that is my realization. That is what I need to make my focus. I need to constantly be sure that I am purifying my heart before the Father and then I will have peace. I need to be sure that I am practicing what He has asked of me, and I mean that in a total non-legalistic way. I mean that I need to make sure that I am so deeply in love with God that I cannot do anything else but what He wants me to do.

The fruit of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-Control. It is extremely hard for me to act Loving, Gentle, and Kind toward the people who have hurt me when I keep replaying the hurtful things they have done. It is also hard for me to have Joy and Peace when I am tearing open the stitches God has used to bind my wounds. No Goodness can come from me when I am paranoid that I am going to be hurt. It is nearly impossible for me to have Self-Control when I am on the defense. Finally, how can I be a Faith-filled Woman of God when I cannot trust God enough to handle my problems and heal my pain.

Something else that makes this such a hurtful place to be is the effect it has on my husband and my baby girl. I see them with needs that my distractions constantly impair my ability to fill. I see them going without my full attention. I see them going without the time that they deserve to have from me, my joyful attitude, and so many other things. Not-to-mention my Godly influence as a wife and mother!

Forgive me Jesus... for my lack of Faith, for that is what it really comes down to. I am guilty and I repent. I ask, Lord Jesus, that You would refine my heart and make me as white as snow. Help me to really put into practice what Paul the Apostle was led to say in Philipians 4:8&9, and that, most importantly, I would have the faith to believe that You will bring me through these things. Thank You for Your faithfulness when I am lacking. I know that because of You, we will be victorious. I love You, Lord.