I am a woman torn… my heart has been broken and shattered in so many ways. I have been rejected by everyone that is left in my life at one point or another. And to top it all off I know that there are missing pieces to my past that the Lord is slowly preparing me to deal with.
Not a day goes by that I don’t hurt or fear what will come of my life, or where I will be in the future. I live in fear of losing more of the people that I love. My heart has become so hard that I am scared it could never return to a sensitive “soft” state.
I have learned to fight. I have learned to defend myself. I hate it, but I feel like I need it to survive. I don’t want to constantly be on the defense. I don’t want to push everything and everyone away. But I don’t know any other way. It’s true, I am self-destructive.
I am so scared that God will reject me. It is a result of the “father wound”. I am also scared that God will just somehow no longer be here… and not just here with me, but in existence; like maybe he will just disappear or “die”. This is a result of the loss of my mother.
My husband once told me that it is like I am covering my ears, closing my eyes, kicking and fighting but at the same time I am screaming for help. He was using it as an illustration that I will not let anyone close enough to get in to help me but at the same time I am begging for it.
I have also realized that I oftentimes find myself looking for Jesus, but I am face down in the dark. Hence, I won’t open my eyes or allow myself to turn on the light (open my heart) to see Him. What kind of sense does that make?
I am completely irrational. I am so scared that I will be hurt again, that I will not allow anyone in. This is exactly like my wise friend told me… self-destructive. This is me. How will I ever learn to deal? How will I ever make it through this storm?
If I cannot submit myself to Jesus and lean on Him instead of my own understanding I will never make it out alive. If I cannot believe that my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is an everlasting God, how can I achieve the faith I need to live eternally? How can I know that in the worst of conditions, Emmanuel, God is with us?
The hard truth is… I can’t. I have to conjure up enough faith to stand fast and press on from moment to moment while He works that into my messed up heart and being. I have no control… and that scares me to death. But thankfully for every weak moment I have, God has given me a blessing, and a tiny grasp of faith to hold onto. And in this moment my hope endures….
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Convenient Christianity
I have recently seen a few examples of what I like to call "Convenient Christianity". To me, Convenient Christianity is when you want to obey God and take the Bible literally when it is convenient for you... e.g. you have wronged someone and they refuse to forgive you, but when the tables are turned and they come to you for forgiveness, you should immediately put down your guard and forgive with open arms; well, because "you are a Christian". Sometimes we will act like this without even realizing that we are acting this way because our flesh naturally wants to do what feels right and denying God, to our flesh, feels right.
This is why the people of this world call us hypocrites. This is why they say that the Bible is a lie and contradicts itself. This is why they deny Jesus Christ. We are not living out our witness. We are not bringing justice, truth, and peace to a lost and dying world. We are not showing these people the love of God. We look at each other with such high standards and when it comes to ourselves we can always come up with an excuse. This is why Jesus says in Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
The truth is that we, as Christians, should be the ones to go to the person that we have wronged and ask them for their forgiveness. Come what may, they may not forgive; however that is not of our concern because that is a heart issue between them and Jesus. The truth is, also, that we should forgive everyone that asks (and those who don't, for that matter) because the sword of the spirit is truth, and that is the word of God (Ephesians 6:17)... and what does the word of God say? "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" -Mark 11:25. It also says that Jesus died for us that NONE should perish. That means that he gave his whole being on this earth that EVERYONE should have forgiveness. So, really, who are we to keep the forgiveness that Jesus gave us from others? Yes, this makes us hypocrites. This causes others to go to hell. Because we are double-minded. We fail to do what God asks us to. We are the blind leading the blind.
Thankfully, God has given us His grace and loves us above and beyond our failures. Jesus has offered the Ultimate forgiveness and an eternal life in paradise with him, the lover of our soul, to everyone who will believe upon his name. Jesus makes us blameless in the Father's sight. We are forgiven because he was forsaken and we are accepted because he was condemned. His love has covered over a multitude of sins; now the question is: can ours?
I pray that the Lord will bring me to a such a place in my walk with Him. That He would forgive me of my fleshy decisions, sins, and transgressions. That I would be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1:19&20). I want to be blameless in His sight. I want to have a heart so refined by His purifying fire that I will be completely at peace within my soul. All I can do is just pray that the Lord will do such a mighty work in such a wretch like me. Thank you father that you are faithful, even when I am faithless!
This is why the people of this world call us hypocrites. This is why they say that the Bible is a lie and contradicts itself. This is why they deny Jesus Christ. We are not living out our witness. We are not bringing justice, truth, and peace to a lost and dying world. We are not showing these people the love of God. We look at each other with such high standards and when it comes to ourselves we can always come up with an excuse. This is why Jesus says in Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
The truth is that we, as Christians, should be the ones to go to the person that we have wronged and ask them for their forgiveness. Come what may, they may not forgive; however that is not of our concern because that is a heart issue between them and Jesus. The truth is, also, that we should forgive everyone that asks (and those who don't, for that matter) because the sword of the spirit is truth, and that is the word of God (Ephesians 6:17)... and what does the word of God say? "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" -Mark 11:25. It also says that Jesus died for us that NONE should perish. That means that he gave his whole being on this earth that EVERYONE should have forgiveness. So, really, who are we to keep the forgiveness that Jesus gave us from others? Yes, this makes us hypocrites. This causes others to go to hell. Because we are double-minded. We fail to do what God asks us to. We are the blind leading the blind.
Thankfully, God has given us His grace and loves us above and beyond our failures. Jesus has offered the Ultimate forgiveness and an eternal life in paradise with him, the lover of our soul, to everyone who will believe upon his name. Jesus makes us blameless in the Father's sight. We are forgiven because he was forsaken and we are accepted because he was condemned. His love has covered over a multitude of sins; now the question is: can ours?
I pray that the Lord will bring me to a such a place in my walk with Him. That He would forgive me of my fleshy decisions, sins, and transgressions. That I would be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1:19&20). I want to be blameless in His sight. I want to have a heart so refined by His purifying fire that I will be completely at peace within my soul. All I can do is just pray that the Lord will do such a mighty work in such a wretch like me. Thank you father that you are faithful, even when I am faithless!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Another Realization
I have realized that I have been trapped in a state of bondage. I have created an unpleasant place to be, inside of my own mind. I am constantly thinking of negative events that have taken place in my life and terrible ways that people have treated me. Well, that sounds a lot like self-pity to me. Even though my attitude is not to throw a pity party and beg sympathy of people, or even just to sit and sob... these scenarios continue to replay in my mind. I have been trying to remember where Paul the Apostle says in Philipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things". The problem is I have such a hard time putting that into action. When you read the next verse he says, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you". Now that is my realization. That is what I need to make my focus. I need to constantly be sure that I am purifying my heart before the Father and then I will have peace. I need to be sure that I am practicing what He has asked of me, and I mean that in a total non-legalistic way. I mean that I need to make sure that I am so deeply in love with God that I cannot do anything else but what He wants me to do.
The fruit of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-Control. It is extremely hard for me to act Loving, Gentle, and Kind toward the people who have hurt me when I keep replaying the hurtful things they have done. It is also hard for me to have Joy and Peace when I am tearing open the stitches God has used to bind my wounds. No Goodness can come from me when I am paranoid that I am going to be hurt. It is nearly impossible for me to have Self-Control when I am on the defense. Finally, how can I be a Faith-filled Woman of God when I cannot trust God enough to handle my problems and heal my pain.
Something else that makes this such a hurtful place to be is the effect it has on my husband and my baby girl. I see them with needs that my distractions constantly impair my ability to fill. I see them going without my full attention. I see them going without the time that they deserve to have from me, my joyful attitude, and so many other things. Not-to-mention my Godly influence as a wife and mother!
Forgive me Jesus... for my lack of Faith, for that is what it really comes down to. I am guilty and I repent. I ask, Lord Jesus, that You would refine my heart and make me as white as snow. Help me to really put into practice what Paul the Apostle was led to say in Philipians 4:8&9, and that, most importantly, I would have the faith to believe that You will bring me through these things. Thank You for Your faithfulness when I am lacking. I know that because of You, we will be victorious. I love You, Lord.
The fruit of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-Control. It is extremely hard for me to act Loving, Gentle, and Kind toward the people who have hurt me when I keep replaying the hurtful things they have done. It is also hard for me to have Joy and Peace when I am tearing open the stitches God has used to bind my wounds. No Goodness can come from me when I am paranoid that I am going to be hurt. It is nearly impossible for me to have Self-Control when I am on the defense. Finally, how can I be a Faith-filled Woman of God when I cannot trust God enough to handle my problems and heal my pain.
Something else that makes this such a hurtful place to be is the effect it has on my husband and my baby girl. I see them with needs that my distractions constantly impair my ability to fill. I see them going without my full attention. I see them going without the time that they deserve to have from me, my joyful attitude, and so many other things. Not-to-mention my Godly influence as a wife and mother!
Forgive me Jesus... for my lack of Faith, for that is what it really comes down to. I am guilty and I repent. I ask, Lord Jesus, that You would refine my heart and make me as white as snow. Help me to really put into practice what Paul the Apostle was led to say in Philipians 4:8&9, and that, most importantly, I would have the faith to believe that You will bring me through these things. Thank You for Your faithfulness when I am lacking. I know that because of You, we will be victorious. I love You, Lord.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Divine Drive
So it was New Year's Day and I was super busy. I had a million and one things to do. Well, I had finally finished the million and started off to the one. My cousin was visiting from West Virginia and we were going to have a girl's night with some of our other family. I dropped my husband off at work and was on my way... headed south for the evening. As I merged onto the freeway I was completely overwhelmed by the amazing panoramic view that suddenly entranced me. The sun was setting. It felt as if I could not catch my breath as I tried to capture these colors that danced over the mountains. Colors that I have never seen. If I didn't know any better, I would have swore the Lord was going to bust through the amazing orange sunburst that poured from the sky... and I was swept away.
It felt like I was on a breath taking first date, only I had been with my Love before. Somehow though, every time feels new and refreshing. My heart was beating faster and my body had those ticklish tingles that you cannot ever understand. It was as if I could feel the gentle whispers of my Lover in my ear but there was no sound except for some old song by Mae on my iPod. It just so happened that it was a romantic song playing and the love that I so longed to feel with another human transformed into a deep longing for a more real love with my Savior.
I began to pour my heart out to Him about my desire and the reality of the sweet tug He had on my soul; and He listened. Not only did He listen but He showed me things that my significant other would have never known about myself. It was then that I realized that He truly does know every last detail of my life. He brought to my attention a few things that I needed to focus on, not to worry, He would help me to get through the hard times... and I believed Him. Never have I felt so safe, never have I really known that someone truly loves me without condition. I always thought I did, but in this moment it occurred to me that I didn't.
I realized I have a real intimate and Perfect relationship with the Almighty and Living God, with the precious Jesus that gave His life to have this romance with me. He set up that "date". He put that time aside and said I am going to do something special for my beloved, she needs to know that I have never let her go. He showed me that I can never have a "perfect romance" here on Earth with my husband, and the only way that it would ever even be close is if I have a "perfect romance" with Him. I cannot love anyone the way that I need to until He has changed my heart and showed me how. The only way this could happen is within a beautiful and intimate romance with Jesus.
I was blessed that day beyond belief and I have never felt a peace, a love, or any joy like I experienced on that Divine Drive.
It felt like I was on a breath taking first date, only I had been with my Love before. Somehow though, every time feels new and refreshing. My heart was beating faster and my body had those ticklish tingles that you cannot ever understand. It was as if I could feel the gentle whispers of my Lover in my ear but there was no sound except for some old song by Mae on my iPod. It just so happened that it was a romantic song playing and the love that I so longed to feel with another human transformed into a deep longing for a more real love with my Savior.
I began to pour my heart out to Him about my desire and the reality of the sweet tug He had on my soul; and He listened. Not only did He listen but He showed me things that my significant other would have never known about myself. It was then that I realized that He truly does know every last detail of my life. He brought to my attention a few things that I needed to focus on, not to worry, He would help me to get through the hard times... and I believed Him. Never have I felt so safe, never have I really known that someone truly loves me without condition. I always thought I did, but in this moment it occurred to me that I didn't.
I realized I have a real intimate and Perfect relationship with the Almighty and Living God, with the precious Jesus that gave His life to have this romance with me. He set up that "date". He put that time aside and said I am going to do something special for my beloved, she needs to know that I have never let her go. He showed me that I can never have a "perfect romance" here on Earth with my husband, and the only way that it would ever even be close is if I have a "perfect romance" with Him. I cannot love anyone the way that I need to until He has changed my heart and showed me how. The only way this could happen is within a beautiful and intimate romance with Jesus.
I was blessed that day beyond belief and I have never felt a peace, a love, or any joy like I experienced on that Divine Drive.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Introducing... Me.
My name is Crystal O'Rourke. I am a 22 year old mother of a beautiful baby girl named Eden Neriah. I am married to the amazing man that God created to be my partner, Patrick. I come from a large family of 7. I am the oldest of two gorgeous sisters and two adorable brothers. My mother passed away from a horrible cancer on my sisters birthday this last summer, which just so happens to be on July 4th [she always called my sissy her little firecracker ;)]. My mother was my best friend, my role model and my mentor. She was a perfect example of what God could do with a willing soul. Losing her has been the hardest unexpected tragedy in my life, but thankfully, God's grace is sufficient and the love of Jesus has so-engulfed my heart that I have strength for everyday.
As of now, I continue to dive deeper into the heart of God. I lead a small group through my church's Youth Group with girls grades 6th through 12th (sometimes I think I learn more from them than they do me, seriously, they are truly girls after God's heart). I am an online student. I love playing worship music with my husband. There is something so special about being caught up in the heart of the Lord with the man he made to be my other half. I also love teaching my daughter and playing with her. It blesses my heart to see her face light up with joy. :)
As of now, I continue to dive deeper into the heart of God. I lead a small group through my church's Youth Group with girls grades 6th through 12th (sometimes I think I learn more from them than they do me, seriously, they are truly girls after God's heart). I am an online student. I love playing worship music with my husband. There is something so special about being caught up in the heart of the Lord with the man he made to be my other half. I also love teaching my daughter and playing with her. It blesses my heart to see her face light up with joy. :)
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